I’ve struggled. These past several months have been tough, heartbreaking, life changing. One of those periods of life that feel like they make or break you. After feeling as though God had called us to a very specific place, everything came crashing down. I came crashing down. It all started with a conversation on our 10th wedding anniversary, well really it started WAY before then.
“I have something to talk to you about…I want to talk about fostering.”
Brad shared that just the day before he had lunch with a man that was a foster dad and they had discussed it. I was sure. 100%. I was never more sure, that God was calling us somewhere. The journey went well. We talked to our families, sat through 3 – nine hour days of training. We completed a home study. And finally it happened….we were open for placement. We were excited, and scared, and nervous even when we realized the enormous responsibility we now carried in loving these kids.
And then…one placement in…it all came crashing down and everything fell apart. When I say everything what I really mean is I fell apart. Along with it, was this dream that I was so sure God had planted in me. I had spent months praying, seeking Him in this. I would be lying if I said I didn’t question if I’m even able to discern His voice.
I. was. so. sure.
Recently, while driving in my car, I found myself talking to God in the silence.
“Please…I don’t know what your plan is…I don’t know what you want from us….”
“From” and “for”. Such similar words that greatly change a sentence. It’s not what God wants FROM me, it’s what He wants FOR me.
At what point did my mindset change to thinking He was taking rather than giving?
So I’ve changed my prayer….
“Please…I don’t know what your plan is…and I don’t know what you want FOR me…but I know it’s for your glory.”
I know He has a plan. No matter how hard this has been, I trust that He will be with us through it all. In the depths of what seemed like never ending darkness, I found myself clinging desperately to what truths I could find in His word. In the depths of pain and hopelessness, I found His strength. I lost confidence in myself, but I have gained confidence in the One who holds me in His hand. I have found that I am nothing without the grace and strength of my Father. I lost the feeling of entitlement, but what I found was the beauty and greatness of His grace. I have been broken, but in the midst I gained a new understanding of His love.
I was really sure one day this was going to be a beautiful story. It’s not what I expected. I didn’t expect the beauty of this story to be MY ugly. I’m still not completely comfortable with that.
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9 ESV
Matthew West had an unexpected vocal surgery that he was worried would destroy his career as a singer. But God always has a plan. He wrote this song out of that moment.
Read the rest of Matthew West story here.
For I know the plans I have FOR you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV